Here's some brutal and open honesty. And trust me...this doesn't paint a pretty picture of me. But I do hope the end result points to our incredible Savior and His great mercy.
I homeschool our 3 kids. Enough said. Close the book....stick a fork in me I'm done. I wish I could tell you that I love it so much, that my kids are the highlight of my day, and that I wouldn't trade this for the world. But....I would be lying to you. Yep. I said it. Brutal honesty. Now, don't get me wrong- I LOVE my kids! But I do not love being around them (or any kids for that matter) 24:7. It's not where my passion lies. And for the longest time I felt like such a jerk for it. I see others who thrive being around children and who admittedly love it. Inside I'm thinking, they are insane! Ha! I used to love being around kids more though. I babysat a lot, was a camp counselor for years, and even studied Elementary Education. But then I had my own kids. And then, kicking and screaming, I decided to homeschool.
Now you may be asking yourself "Why would she homeschool if she doesn't love being around kids all the time??". Believe me...I ask myself that All. The. Time. But see the reason I do it, goes deeper than my selfishness. It's because God called me to it. Seriously. I fought it for years. In fact, I practically screamed at a sweet friend of mine, "I will NEVER homeschool my kids!!", when she asked me if I had ever considered it. (Thankfully she still loved me, despite my hostility!...And she laughed hysterically when I told her I decided to do it lol!) But God, for some unbeknownst reason to me, wants me to. I fought and fought against it for over a year. But everywhere I turned, everything I heard, and deep inside my soul I knew it was what He wanted me to do.
Have you ever fought against something so hard....like made it your mission in life to NOT do it?? Yeah...it was like that. But I surrendered to it one day, and immediately experienced an indescribable peace like never before.
But just because I KNOW God calls me to this, doesn't mean I always love it.
Sometimes we face things in life that are hard, unpleasant, and ugly. But there is purpose in it. God often allows us to experience things either so we can experience Him in a certain way, or our character and heart can be grown and molded to what He desires it to be.
That's what He's doing here with me. I see that now. And it's days like today that I'm reminded of it and am clinging to it desperately. Overall today was a good day actually. But my heart has been struggling with selfishness lately. And sometimes I allow that to overflow into other areas in my life. I actually sat down to "vent" here. But God, in His great mercy, lifted the veil for a moment and allowed me to see a glimpse of "why" He's called me to something that stretches and grows me in an, often times, uncomfortable way. It would be so much easier for me to thrown in the towel, send my kids off to school, and basque in the quiet and stillness of an empty house. But I know there's a greater purpose in the path He has chosen for me. Romans 8:28 says that God works all things together for good. I love that verse and the reminder that it brings when I'm struggling. I'm so thankful for God's great mercy, love, and that He loves me enough to grow and stretch me to become the woman He desires me to be.
*Side note: I don't hate kids lol :) Really I don't! I just wanted to clarify that God has created me to be passionate about different things...and if I had the choice I'd probably rather hang out with adults haha! I love kids and think that parenting and discipling them is very important. But it doesn't come as easy to me as to others. Just wanted to clarify!