Monday, October 12, 2015

Some days...

There are days that I just want to throw up my hands in defeat as a mom. Sometimes I just sit back and listen to them go at each other and wonder "where did I go wrong?!?". Now don't get me wrong, they can make this mama's heart soar as well! I love nothing more than hearing them put the other's needs before theirs, tell each other how much they love them, and just play nicely together! Oh how I treasure those sweet moments!! I need those moments quickly accessible in my mind during the ugly ones! However, there are some days it seems as if the ugly moments outweigh the beautiful ones. And that wounds this mama's heart. I feel like I have failed in teaching them how to love each other with Christ-like love and grace. I bury my head in my hands in resignation and frustration. What did I do wrong? Do I not model grace well? What can I do to teach them better? But then I stop. And I am reminded that, although it IS my responsibility to teach and model these things, it's not my responsibility to change their hearts. I CANNOT do that, no matter how much I try. THAT is the work that only the Holy Spirit can do. And ultimately it IS a heart issue. We are born with a heart condition that can only be cured/healed by the Master Healer. My beautiful precious babies are just as much of a wandering, heart-sick, sinner as I am. Yes, we are teaching them to know and love Jesus- but true heart change (and understanding) can take time. Transformation is a process- and a slow one at that. It's in those ugly moments that I need to remember that I have ugly moments too. I HAVE been transformed by the incredible grace of the cross but that does not mean I have achieved perfection. And I won't- this side of heaven. In those difficult moments, instead of looking at my children through the world's eyes- I need to look at them through the lens that Jesus uses. Because it's then that I recognize my own shortcomings, and can see all more clearly the beauty that is in the cross. :)

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