Heaviness of the Heart

There are some days that my heart hurts so deeply that I can hardly move. Have you ever felt that way?

Today is one of those days.

I feel things deeply. When someone hurts, especially someone close to me, or I hurt someone else it often times consumes me. I am a people-pleaser by nature, so this kind of thing is like mortally wounding to someone like me. (All y'all who are not people-pleasers, you have no idea. Really. So tragic...)

I can't rest until things are resolved. They hang over me like a dark saturated storm cloud, ready to burst at the seams, with monsoon-like rains. Ugh. It really is tortuous.

Today, my heart is so heavy. Friends and family are battling different things, our world is in a state of chaos, and if I see one more election post I think I may vomit. If I allow myself to sit and ponder these things, the tears begin to well up and I feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. I just wish I could fix it all.

But I have to remember that it's not my job to fix it. And I can't. I have to force myself to remember that there's only one that can fix what is broken. And I have to remember that it may not always be in the way that I think is best. That's a lot to swallow sometimes. I know I'm not alone in that either. I mean, I've seen people completely walk away from Christ because they couldn't stomach that. That's where faith comes in.

Faith that I don't know everything, but He does.
Faith that I can't see everything, but He can.
Faith that I don't understand the why, but He does.
Faith that what I deem as "good and right" is ultimately from a broken perspective, but His isn't.

I also have to remember that it shouldn't be my aim to please "man" more than pleasing God. He is the one that I am living for. He is the one that my heart ultimately seeks to please. He also created me. He knows that I have a passion to love others, but that I'm limited in my ability to spread myself as much as I would like.

So sometimes, all I can do is pray. Pray that His will is done. Pray that, if I can't step in, someone else will. Pray that I will ultimately seek Him when I am feeling overwhelmed and ill equipped.

Things will continue to be broken, this side of eternity. I know that. But I also know what is on the other side is well worth the waiting and the sifting through the brokenness to get there. And I'm thankful that I don't have to go at it alone.